I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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