I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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