The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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