oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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