I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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