You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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