dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
