I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We have started to decorate penises.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
