So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
