Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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