what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
