we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
