so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
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If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
my penis made a compromise with my morals
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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