My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
