I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
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Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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