I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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