it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
