I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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