Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
