Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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