i was born a porn star she said
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
