I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize