omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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