Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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