my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
