She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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