I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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