God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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