I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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