final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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