i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
