hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm too high and old for this...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
