I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
