I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
