thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
