someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
