Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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