I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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