I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
