Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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