i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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