Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
