and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
