Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She told me I should be a condom model.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
