woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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