I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we should paint friendship bongs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
