My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
