Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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