BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
