I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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