the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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