ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
