Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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