Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
