MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
