we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
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My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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