Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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