The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
