it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Houston, we have a blender
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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